13.2.09

never let me down...

let's just face it...

these days, i am having a rough time, to say the least

i'm exhausted from school, mentored ministry (internship), making soaps...not to mention my emotions are wearing thin

i miss my husband so badly that it feels like i've been holding my breath since he's been gone...i jump everytime the phone rings...and i bring my computer wherever i go in case he gets online...its like i'm drowning and gasping for air

i hate not having him to talk to whenever i want...to go to when i'm tired and worn out and need a true friend...i hate being alone on a friday and saturday night...not to mention V-Day coming up (or as i've been calling it, D-Day...ha, the military wife in me is coming out)

i stare at my and Paul's wedding pictures every night before i go to bed and after i pray and sometimes don't get any words out (usually sobs)...i look at me, and at him, and it feels like i'm looking at someone else's life...i want him back so badly...and i'm angry about it because i feel like i'm crippled in a one-way relationship

don't get me wrong...i adore sending him care packages and letters and all kinds of lovie-dovie emails...but when he's not here to give back, sometimes i feel used, although i know in my heart that is not the case

real love is such a sacrifice...if you haven't ever been through a deployment, or dealt with the loss of a child, or the heartache of a housefire, or anything else that can put your relationship through the ringer, just wait...those things (maybe not those specific things...but something just as difficult) will come...and that is when your love, your relationship with each other, and your relationship with God will be tested

i feel like i'm taking the biggest exam in my entire life...i keep wondering, am i passing? am i failing???? most days i feel like i'm failing to be honest...most days i want to curl up in a ball and say "i'm done...i cannot DO this anymore God"

yet somehow...somehow that spark of hope, heavenly hope, remains...and somehow the Love keeps pouring in...somehow i have peace that everything is going to be okay

most of all, i realize that God never lets me down...even when the junk we have to go through in this life gets us to the point where we think we can longer go on, He finds a way to make His presence known, and to let us know He IS there, and that although everything and everyone else can let us down, He won't...thats why we can trust in Him

i discovered this video and song not too long ago by Marvin Winans Jr. ...his music is what you might call holy hip-hop, but the words are exactly what i'm talking about (you'll have to shut off my music player at the bottom to listen)...in the video, his wife gets in a car crash (actually played by his wife)...and he sings that when even things are difficult, God never lets him down...and He praises God for protecting his wife in the end...just watch and listen:



Lord Jesus,
Thank you for loving me and for never letting me down. I know that right now, I feel so alone, but I believe you're here and that you're holding me when I cry at night. I ask that you would be with all those out there who have read this...that they would realize how much You love them and how you have been working since the beginning of time to bring them back into a relationship with You. Thank you God. I love you
Amen

4 comments:

Kate said...

Dear Sara,

Please, please know that I am praying for you!

Love,

Kate.

KellyLawson22 said...

Can't even imagine what you are feeling, sweet girl.

Praying for you.

Dana-from chaos to Grace said...

awwwwwwwww...I LOVED what you said:

"real love is such a sacrifice..."

It really is. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

I know that it's difficult and I wish there was something I could do to help, but instead, I'll just pray for you.

Kim said...

Dear Sara,
I know there are no real words I can say that will alleviate your heartbreak, but I do want to encourage you to hang in there. God knows exactly how you feel and he's never going to leave you alone.

Through the past six months my emotions have been everywhere, and there have been days when I've just simply been off the charts. Eventually, I disolve in a heap at the feet of my Jesus and he's always there.

I pray tonight that you'll get to hear from Paul as much as possible, that there will be things to distract you from your loneliness and I pray especially for Paul's safety and protection.

God be with you girl.