almost home...

I cannot believe that as I sit here and type this, almost a year has passed since my darling new husband left for training and then for Iraq.

I remember feeling overwhelmed with fear and the unknown; I was unsure of what God was going to do with me while he was gone or how I would get through a whole year without him.

Time is so funny and weird. In the midst of this deployment, every day has felt like it has dragged on, especially the days I felt most alone or fearful. There were many days that it felt hopeless, that he would never be home again. Often, I wanted to just give up on us because, I thought, what was the point of being married if we were never together? I'm so glad I didn't give up. God's power was made perfect in all my weaknesses and His strength has gotten me through. I could not have made it through one day without the grace of Jesus. I don't know how people get through anything without Him...I really don't.

DH is now on his way home. I can't give specific dates or information, otherwise I'd violate OPSEC (security for the military), but I can say that he has left his first location and will be in the States soon, where he'll have to stay at another base for a little while until getting back home. However, that time is not long, and I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin!

I am praising God in a whole new way now, because I have learned to trust Him in a whole new way. The Lord has taught me a LOT through this time; there have been days where I have had to face the utter ugliness of my heart and soul, as well as my pride and deep-down hurts. God and I have had it out a couple times - we're talking shaking fists and all. :)

But again, I am PRAISING HIM with all of me right now! The love of my life, the one God chose for me before time, is COMING HOME!!!!

I will let you know more as soon as I can, and I'll make sure to post pictures of the homecoming. :) I cannot wait!!!


"Listen! My lover!
Look! Here he comes,
leaping across the mountains,
bounding over the hills.

My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag.
Look! There he stands behind our wall,
gazing through the windows,
peering through the lattice.

My lover spoke and said to me,
'Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.'

See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land."

~ Song of Solomon 2:8-12

the heart of the matter...

* From now on I'll be writing this blog in the grammatically-correct format! :) I just have an obsession with these things ---> .......... <--- but now I'm realizing that it may not look so great to the rest of you reading!


This past week I have had some things happen that I know can only be God working in my heart and in my life to bring healing to my broken and proud soul.

Do any of you remember the old song "Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley? You probably know the lyrics: "I've been tryin' to get down, to the heart of the matter; but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter. But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness..."

The lyrics that stand out the most to me are these:

"There are people in your life, who've come and gone
They let you down - you know, they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, baby; life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside"

I heard this song the other day in the store and was singing along, thinking, ya know, this is a good song. Of course it's about a guy regretting things that happened with a former girl of his.

The funny thing is, a few days later, I found out my mom was doing the wedding of a friend I hadn't seen in a long, long time (since the beginning of high school). This friendship ended badly because of something dumb, but at that time, it felt like the end of the world to me. My best friend had rejected me. It was so bad, in fact, that I ended up transferring schools because I was so crushed.

I don't want to give anymore details other than that, but if you know me really well, you might understand. It's something difficult for me to talk about, or even think about, because of how much hurt was caused. As my mom was talking to me about how this person wanted her wedding to look, I broke down into sobs. We had talked about our weddings together when we were younger. A lot of things she will have in her wedding are the same as I had in mine.

My mom also told me some of the really tough times this person has been through over the past few years, and my heart completely broke. It was like, all the fun times we had together came flooding back, and then I thought about what things could have been if we had remained friends. That night, I came home and sobbed for 2 hours. I couldn't understand why I was so upset, but God showed me how much bitterness and resentment I had stored up in my heart against this person for the past 10 years or so. I can't tell you how hurt I was when our friendship was destroyed, but the regret that I feel now over our lost friendship is worse.

Suddenly, as I was crying my heart out to God, this dumb Don Henley song starts ringing in my ear. And I thought, okay Lord, I get it. God is funny at times in who, or what, He will use to get the point across!

But Mr. Henley is right. It's about forgiveness.

And love.

And Him getting the junk out of our hearts that is hindering us from loving others completely and unconditionally.

I don't know if things will ever be the way they once were between us, but when I think about her, the only prayer on my lips is for God to bring reconciliation in this situation. And He has poured so much of His love into my heart for this person that I can't even explain. I know if I saw her this moment I would probably burst into tears and hug her.

Now, as I sit here with tears on my cheeks again just thinking about it, there is a Hope that I have in an Almighty God who is an expert at making all things new.

And that is truly the heart of the matter.

i'm forgiven...

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I am reminded of the wrong that I have said and done
And that devil just won’t let me forget

In this life, I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms, I know what I am
I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been
'cause I’m forgiven

And my mistakes are running through my mind
And I relive my days in the middle of the night
And I struggle with my pain
And wrestle with my pride

Sometimes I feel alone and I cry
When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

‘Cause in this life, I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms, I know what I am
I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been
’cause I’m forgiven
(lyrics by Sanctus Real)


thank you Jesus for your forgiveness, acceptance, grace, mercy, peace, and love...i could not make it through one day without You <3

walking in Grace...

For the past several days, I have been in tears several times and until this morning, I wasn't sure why. I kept feeling a heaviness on my heart and an utter despair. Lately I have felt unsure of whether I am making any difference in others' lives and whether or not my motives are even true.

You see, I have a problem with pride. And I am okay (sort-of) with admitting this. :) Though my heart is sincere, I believe, in wanting to serve Christ and to be a "good Christian," there are times that I believe I can do it on my own. And when I fail, I am frustrated beyond belief and end up wondering what sin in my life is keeping me from following the "rules" this time.

Have you ever felt that way? Wondering why, even after spending gobs of time reading the Bible, praying countless hours in the day and all through the night, having 5 quiet times, worshipping hours upon hours, fellowshiping with believers, serving God through some type of ministry, etc... you feel empty still, or that you can not do enough?

I decided to ask God to examine my heart. Let me just warn you - He is faithful to do what we ask of Him. :)

I said, "God, I feel like giving up. Has nothing really changed in my life after experiencing your salvation 7 years ago? I am still the fake, unloving person with junk in my life that I've always been? I am a seminary student; I shouldn't still be doing things wrong. Lord, I need you to do something better with me."

This morning, I cried out to Him some more, and He answered. God said to me: "Sara, have you forgotten why I came to save you? Self-sufficiency always leads to self-righteousness, but My sufficiency leads to true righteousness. Let me live MY life THROUGH you. My Grace is enough."

Wow...what an epiphany.

So many of our efforts in being a Christian end up leading to complete disappointment when we feel that we don't "succeed." We pray our hearts out for the Lord to work in our lives, yet when things are still going wrong in some way, we think that we didn't pray enough, aren't good enough, or often, we even question our salvation. We wonder what we've done wrong, and we ask God why? We say we are sorry for whatever it is we've done wrong, then we rededicate our life to Him and promise to "do better." Its a continuous cycle of motivation --> condemnation --> rededication.

Somewhere along the way we (I) have forgotten that we are saved by Grace, and that this Grace cannot be earned no matter how hard we try because it is the gift of God! We ask Jesus to come into our hearts and lives by accepting this gift of Grace, then the rest of the time we live under the law, trying to keep a lot of rules so we can be good Christians.

The fact of the matter is, we are never going to be "good Christians" in our own eyes. We can never do enough good works, do enough praying, do enough reading our Bibles, to earn the love of Christ and His acceptance. And we can never be "successful" if we try to do it on our own.

For me, this is where my issue with pride comes in, thinking that because I am a Christian, I can keep all the rules on my own. Then I expect others around me to keep the rules, and I end up living under the Law instead of under Grace and witnessing to others NOT the Grace of God but the Law of God.

Today, I have surrendered my heart to what God wants to do through me, even if I look weak and insufficient in my own strength. I have decided to let the power of Jesus' righteousness run through my veins, instead of me trying to do it on my own. Today, and every day from here on out, I have chosen to walk in Grace, believing that Jesus Christ loves me, accepts me, and can use me despite my shortcomings and flaws.

Are you walking in Grace?

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

becoming me...

do you ever have days where you'll look at yourself in the mirror and think, "wow...i have come so far" and at the same time think "wow...i still have so far to go"

?

sound crazy??? maybe, but hey, i can be a bit crazy at times...usually that comes out in some form of passion, depending on what i'm doing or what i'm talking about...in any case, i'm extremely passionate (in case you haven't already seen that from this blog)

lately i've really been praying about my image though...no, not how i look, but who i am really and how i appear to others...my identity in Christ, and whether others see Christ in me

there's a song by a band called Relient K, and its called "who i am hates who i've been"...yep, that is the honest-to God-truth

i went to my old Xanga blog the other night (which i STILL need to delete) when i couldn't sleep, and i read about 5o of my old posts...i really cannot BELIEVE some of the stuff i wrote about, or the level of immaturity i displayed (even when i spoke about Jesus) in so many areas of my life...and then there's the flat out fake-ness i had at times as well

it all makes me shudder with shame :-/

but in the past few years, as i've grown in my faith especially and as i've learned more about what it means to be a follower of Christ and to serve God, a lot of those things that used to be there have disappeared, and a different kind of maturity has appeared

yet then there are times when i'll think a certain thought, or display a certain attitude, or be walking through Wal-mart disgusted with some people i see, that i think "okay, have i really made any progress at all?"

i think life, even a life lived for God, is like that though...that often we take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back

yet in Christ, we have hope to keep pressing forward...to finish the race and know that at the end there is a great reward waiting if we continue to follow Him!

here are some things that i still want God to work on in me:

1. humility - to serve God with a humble heart and never think myself better than another, even when i know God's Truth...to speak the Truth in love

2. wisdom - to be able to discern the truth from lies, as well as help others do the same

3. friendship - plain and simple, to be a better friend to those around me and even those i've known for a long time

4. reconciliation - to mend relationships with people in my life that are still broken and hurting, esp. those relationships that need divine intervention

5. sacrifice - to be willing to give up what i want for God and for others around me

6. laziness - to get off the couch when i know that i have important things to do

7. genuinity - to not put on a front around others and to be someone they can turn to and trust


what about you? who are you becoming???

i am becoming me...

it's a material world, and i am a material girl…

let me just start by saying that many of you, if you are reading, will not like this blog…but i believe that it needs to be written and read by every Christian alive today…this is something that has currently been on my heart and on the heart of my husband as well, and has brought us to our knees together (though not physically)

“One sunny Labor Day, I had the opportunity to go boating with a group of six high schoolers in the clear blue waters off the coast of Miami. We enjoyed the beautiful weather while swimming and water-skiing off the back end of a pretty impressive boat that belonged to Dave’s father. When it was Dave’s turn to ski, I went to the back of the boat to slide him the skis while he dove into the water. When Dave resurfaced, he leaned back and let out a comfortable sigh.

‘Ahhhh,’ he said. ‘I wonder what the poor people are doing today.”

~ Walt Mueller in Youth Culture 101

when i read the above following passage in one of my books, i felt a pang in my heart and said out loud, “oh Lord, what have we (I) done”

do you remember the old song by Madonna, the one about living in a material world? though i’m not a Madonna fan, the lyrics are ones that stick with you no matter if you’ve heard it once or heard it a thousand times

but there is a unbelievable amount of truth in what she is singing about…that we live in a material world, and we are material girls (or boys, or people)

the world we live in is based on material things…we are absolutely infiltrated with them on a daily basis…it is impossible to turn on the television, watch a movie, go to the store, or drive down the road without seeing a billboard/ad/person advertising the newest, coolest cell phone, laptop, jewelry, car, clothing, expensive restaurant, you name it

Burger King tells us, “Have it your way.”
McDonald’s asks, “Have you had your break today?”
L’oreal boasts, “Because you’re worth it!”
Visa states, “Its everywhere you want to be.”
Apple Computer says, “Everything’s easier on a Mac.”

we have been targeted, manipulated, controlled, and bought by the marketplace in our society…there are very few of us who have escaped the addiction to stuff, and even those who have overcome it are still tempted no matter where they are

Kenneth Kantzer wrote this in a book: “The most serious problem facing the church today is materialism – materialism not as a philosophical theory, but as a way of life.”

Christians, followers of Christ, have become selfish, and we have believed the lie that “he who dies with the most toys [or clothes, or a big house, or a nice car] wins”…when did we forget that all of those things aren’t going with us when we die??? and when we don’t get what we want, we turn into people who don’t look very much like Christ…our attitude is, “don’t let anyone walk into my church wearing jeans with holes in them and a dirty shirt with greasy hair...i’m not giving handouts”

we think, and say, that someone is “blessed” if they have financial prosperity…but the word blessed, in the Bible, has nothing to do with money…in the Greek, this is the definition of blessed: “happy, to be envied, and spiritually prosperous--with life-joy and satisfaction in God's favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions”

those of us who are feel we are “struggling to make it” in the American economy still have a ridiculous amount of money, material things, and food…we don’t realize that the median annual income for the entire population on the planet is $7,000…if you have a car, any car, you are considered RICH by the rest of the world…if you have something to eat on your table every night, even if that something is a can of soup and crackers, you are considered RICH by the rest of the world

we have the wrong perspective on money and just how much we need to live and survive…with what ONE teenager alone (who gets the money from parents) spends on clothing, techno toys, food, and fun activities in a month, FIVE hungry families could be fed for 6 months!!!

in our brokenness and desperation to fill the emptiness inside, we believe the lies that we are not good enough, that we need money to feel secure or have peace, that we have no life if we can’t go buy the latest technological device or fashions in the name-brand stores…we have been brainwashed

the worst thing is that the marketplace, the consumerist society we live in, KNOWS that we WILL buy what they are selling, no matter the price, because we think we can’t live without it…our mindset is that having money and things will cure any feelings of low self-esteem, bring happiness, make us feel good, and get us the attention/popularity we desire

Christians in American are more concerned with having financial peace and security than whether the rest of the world goes hungry…and our definition of success is having money in our savings account and living in a nice, predominantly white, neighborhood with a two-car garage and a big backyard for b-b-q-ing on the 4th of July

here are some serious questions we, in the Church, need to ask ourselves:

- What do you want to pass on to your kids? Money or material things or godly character traits and a heart for serving Him?
- How much does your lifestyle reflect and conform to the idea that money buys happiness?
- If you’re a goal-oriented person, what are your goals for the next 5, 10, or 15 years from now? Are they primarily financial or material in nature?
- If someone you know was to write out a definition of success based on your leisurely lifestyle, what would they write?
- Are you always looking to get the competitive edge or keep up with the Joneses?
- Are you jealous when someone you know acquires something (nice car, better job, pretty clothes, lavish vacation) you don’t have but want?
- Are you the one who has something you don’t need but want (nice car, highest-paying job, pretty clothes, lavish vacation)?
- Do you refer to your wants as needs?
- When will you know that you’re “financially secure?”
- Someone once said, “You tell me what you spend your time daydreaming about, and I’ll tell you who your god is.” What do you daydream about?
- Do you possess your possessions, or do they possess you?
- Does your faith and security rest in God or in your money/things?


*Disclaimer: The following video may convict you and bring you to your knees in repentance. If you have a hard time viewing it, then perhaps you don’t need to answer the questions above.



we need to stop putting our trust in money, material things, financial peace, etc… and put our trust in God! we need to quit being selfish and thinking that if we have money we are something special! we could lose everything we have in a matter of minutes…and if we did, then what would we have??? IS GOD ENOUGH????

“What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” ~ Mark 8:36

to love and be loved...

this past week, i went to Chicago to spend time with my Uncle Steve (Dad's bro), Aunt Carrie, and the kids (my cousins) Genevieve and Grayson

it was a wonderful time, and a much needed visit with them! i hadn't seen them since our wedding, and even then neither Paul or i got to spend any time with them because things were so crazy

its been a tough past few years for them, and its been a tough year for me...so this was a special time for us to love one another and be loved in return! i especially had some awesome bonding time with the kiddos

we went to a few neat places downtown...Michigan Ave., Navy Pier, etc.,

here are a few pics from the trip!



cool view from the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier!


me and the kids walking down Michigan Ave.



in some cool indoor plant place at the Navy Pier!


in front of Lake Michigan!



in front of the cool bridge...we rode a water taxi in the water!


farm people statue...it had just been built not long before that!



at my Uncle's nifty office downtown...i can't tell you what he does for a living, but he's pretty important ;)


i just flew home today, and i already miss them like crazy! but i am so glad that we were able to love on one another for a whole week :)

thank you GOD for FAMILY <3