i think that the hardest part of Paul being gone so far is realizing that i'm not alone
this is really hard for to me to do
i'm a presence person...note that i did not say a people person, but a presence person...perhaps that is why my top love language is physical touch
i don't always like being around a ton of people, especially if i don't know those people...crowds of acquaintances are not for me
but the presence of God, the presence of my husband, and the presence of close friends...well, there is nothing like that for me...i need to feel these presences in my life to know i'm alive
yet it seems like no-one is present, and i can't help but feel alone
my best friend, my husband, is not here, and i don't know how to live each day without him...he's the person i talk to the most and the one who listens...he's the one i share everything i have with, and who loves me back...the one whom i can go to anytime and say "hey, wanna go do something tonight?"...the one i can count on when it feels like the rest of the world has rejected me...but every night, i go home and he's not there...it literally feels like my best friend died, and when we talk on the phone, i forget that i'm married to the person i'm talking to...i wake up in the morning, and plan out my day revolving around myself, and i hate that...i want to be able to live my life for another, for others, to give, to sacrifice, to love to death...without him, i feel like its all about me, and i don't want my life to be like that...to feel like i'm alone and there's no one else to live for
in the big picture, i'm living for God...the things i do, i do with my utmost ability for Him...it's why i want to be a missionary...to serve Him, living a life for others
however, the person whom i consider myself to be a missionary to the most is my family, particularly my husband...my reason for marrying him was not to get something out of it, but to serve him and minister to him through Christ's love, and that's hard to do when he's not here
i keep reminding myself that i'm not alone...that i'm just lonely
there's a big difference in being lonely, and feeling alone...
alone means that you are the only person around you at a certain time...you're alone when you have isolated yourself from others (not always on purpose) or others have isolated themselves from you (not always on purpose either)...sometimes being alone is good, and sometimes i even need alone time
lonely means that you can be surrounded by people and family and friends and even God, yet feel like you're alone when in reality, you're not...lonely means you are missing real and authentic relationships with people or with God...loneliness is a state of mind and of heart
i know that i am not alone...but i am lonelier than i've ever been in my life right now...i always thought that i was lonely when i was single...i was certainly wrong about that...this lonliness doesn't even compare
here is my heart-cry:
i need my LORD to make His presence known right now...i most definitely have His peace, as i wrote in the last post, but i need to know that He's actually here in a real and tangible way
i need my friends to make their presence known right now...i don't want to just hang out, but i need someone to remind me that i'm not alone, and i need to know that others care and want to be by my side through this time
i need to be able to minister to others through my hurt and to live a life for others no matter where i am...writing a bunch of papers for seminary isn't cutting it...there's a Hispanic girl in my community about my age, whose 3-month old daughter is dying of heart disease, that i've been spending time with...hurting together has helped us both, and seeing her heartache makes mine seem a lot smaller
yet i'm not going to sit here wearing a happy mask or act like Ms. Optimistic of the Year when my heart is truly aching...i'm going to be real about it...that's where i am tonight, like it or not...i have to get all of this out, and i guess that is what blogging is for
4 comments:
Oh your post brought tears to my eyes!
I remember the last mission trip my husband was on, when my boys were younger and I couldn't cry in front of them because it would upset them....I put the boys to bed and took a shower and just stood there and cried. I cried til the water ran cold and I was shivering. I was lonely. I was surrounded by people, but I was LONELY because my best friend was gone.
I will pray for you, sweetie. My heart breaks for you!
I first read your post last night and I hurt, I thought how you are a presence person, I am too. I know being alone from a single point of view. I believe being alone after having that person in my presence would be much worse. Sara, I so wish we lived closer... I am praying for you and asking our Daddy to meet you their and ease the aloneness. I ask that God bring people into your life that will help ease that and that time will move quickly so your back with your other half, your best friend.
we're hanging out soon!!! Sorry that we couldn't get together this weekend. Look at your schedule and let me know. love you!
My Dear Wife,
I wish that I was holding you in my arms this very moment. So, I praise God that His arms not to short from your precious reach...
You are my heart strings my dearest Sarie. And when I'm away form you sometimes it feels like my heart is missing, becaues you and God are it's keeper. I'm always praying for you sweetie, that when your feeling at your lonliest state, His presence will be the strongest,... for He cannot go agains His word, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."
Your in the center of my heart.
I love you my Dearest Sarie.
Your,
Paul Michael +
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