child-like faith...

I think I am truly learning who God is through my son.

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted, but I am up late and can’t stop thanking God for the miracle my child is, and for the miracle He is doing in our lives.

I feel like there is a huge battle going on right now, and I can sense it. A spiritual battle. Not just for my child, but for all the kids out there. A war is waging on their souls...but I believe God wins.
Satan has been throwing every arrow he possibly can at our family, it seems…but I know God is fighting, and I will fight.

I believe God is going to use Stephen for His Kingdom. I felt it when I was pregnant with him, and now I am feeling it again. His special needs and all of that are not going to stop him…stop God and what He is doing.
Tonight Stephen wanted to pray. We usually pray together every day, sometimes more than once a day, but almost always at night before he goes to sleep, while he is lying in my arms or his Daddy’s. But tonight he seemed to really want to pray. He was so precious I have tears just thinking about it.

I asked him what he wanted to pray to Jesus about.
He said, without hesitating, “everyone.”

Now I have to clarify…we have never taught him to say that.

Here’s a kid, almost 3 years old, who is autistic. He daily injures himself. He often throws major fits and has meltdowns just from going from one place to another. He cannot go down a slide by himself still. I can’t get him to take more than a bite or 2 of something most days, even if he has gone 5-6 hours without eating a thing (before being tube-fed).
And something like that comes out of his mouth, out of the blue.

I have chills writing this, ya’ll.
I cannot even begin to imagine what the Lord has in store for him. It is something big, powerful, and the Presence of God is just all over this thing.
It’s not rare for us to have God moments in our house, although some days are especially difficult and I am tired and I only have the strength to pray because God gives it to me and I am desperate for His peace.

But as crazy as it sounds, I feel like my faith was a lot shallower before I had Stephen…before we went through all of this hard stuff. Maybe from the outside, it wasn’t. But oh, on the inside, I was more of a Christian snob than a real follower of Christ. I really thought I knew God. Even through seminary. Even through mission trips. It’s like, there wasn’t the depth that exists now. I have a long way to go.
I cannot brag, so I hope I don’t sound braggy. I often feel like a mess, like a failure, like a disaster…can I be honest? Like I’m the reason Stephen struggles with so many things…

But somehow, through it all, I am seeing incredible glimpses of God’s beauty, and I am one thousand times more aware of His Grace, His love, His strength, His joy, His Truth…all of it.
It’s kind of where the rubber has met the road. Where during the midst of the heartache and the absolute exhaustion and the feelings of hopelessness, I have had to CHOOSE on purpose to trust God and seek Him and follow Him no matter where it takes me.

It is hard. I don’t always know what I am doing as Stephen’s Mom. I just beg God to show me what to do. I beg Him to help me find ways to help him, to bring some sort of healing to his little body. And God is speaking. I hear His voice more clearly now, I think, than I ever did.
It is funny how children will do that to you, no matter whether your child is “typical” or not. The Bible says that “From the lips of children and infants You have ordained praise” (Psalm 8:2). Did you know that the word for “praise” in that verse also means the same as “strength?” Maybe that is why Jesus puts such an emphasis on child-like faith.

All I can do is follow. Follow my beautiful little boy’s example. Follow Jesus down a road that is sometimes dry and rocky and downright terrifying.

I am humbled. Thankful. Blessed.


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