On Friday, I will be starting my 8th month of pregnancy. I can hardly comprehend this!
As each week passes by (quickly I might add), I am getting more excited about becoming a Mommy. But at the same time, I'm getting more nervous as well.
I have always loved babies. I remember being a little girl, playing with my dolls, pretending to change their diaper and feed them. I remember thinking that when I grew up, I was going to be the best Mom in the world. Back then, anytime family friends came over with a new baby, I was enthralled. And even now, when I see one in the store or at church or somewhere else, I just melt. It doesn't matter what the little one looks like, I always have to stop and stare for a minute. I am still enthralled by the beauty of it all.
But now that it is me actually having a baby, a person growing inside me who I am about to become responsible for, I'm scared.
All these questions keep coming up. All those "what if's."
What if I am so exhausted/delirious in the beginning that I can't remember when I need to feed him again or when he had a last diaper change?
What if I get depressed?
What if there is something wrong with the baby and I don't know it?
What if I get too stressed out and overwhelmed that I forget to love him?
What if I can't represent Christ to my children?
What if I am so exhausted after taking care of a baby all day that I have no time for my husband, and our relationship falls apart?
What if my child grows up hating me for the mistakes I am praying I do not make?
These are just a few things that I'm worried about. Everybody says "oh, don't be worried, you'll be fine." Even new Moms like to tell me this. But I'm guessing that before they became a Mom the first time, at least some of these thoughts were on their mind and heart as well.
Yet, there is an amazing thing taking place inside of me.
There is a fierce, fierce determination welling up inside my heart that I've never felt before. A determination that I don't think I've ever had, though I've always been somewhat determined before. But this...this is a Mother's determination. A crazy, overwhelming determination that I believe God has given me to be the kind of mother that He is calling me to be.
This God-given determination is one that causes me to get on my knees a LOT these days, asking for His wisdom and guidance and help. It's a determination that stems from the intoxicating love I already feel for my child, a love that spurs me to want to do everything I possibly can to raise my child in a home that provides the love, peace, mercy, joy, and faith that he needs.
This determination is one that makes me realize that I cannot be passive about certain things, but rather be active. I'm not just going to sit around lazily watching my child grow up. I don't want to be selfish, feeding my own desires before my child's. I want to be there, to be involved. I want to play with him, to make him laugh, to wipe his tears, to help calm his fears. I want to be in the middle of something "important" like washing dishes, look over at his little face, and drop everything so that I don't miss one minute of watching the amazing things he learns and experiences as he grows. I don't want to be a Mom who just settles for providing material things like food, shelter, clothing, and entertainment. I want to make a difference in his life, to invest in it. I want to be the kind of Mom that Proverbs 31 calls blessed because her husband speaks highly of her and her children look up to her. I want to leave my baby boy a legacy.
I know that I will not be a perfect mother. That is impossible, because I am not a perfect person.
But I refuse to settle for the mundane Mommy-hood that so many people I know have. I want to look at my child as a miracle, even when there is dirt all over the floor and paint smeared on the couch, and remember how much his little life means to God. I refuse to see him as just "another kid" but to see him as God sees him, through loving eyes that visualize the potential and talents and gifts within him. I want to look at him and see a person that the Lord has fashioned perfectly for His will, whatever that may be.
I am leaning on and trusting in God to help me and give me the determination to not give up on striving for something bigger as a mother. Something more than just a duty. Something holy, pure, beautiful.
As the days are counted down to my precious son's birth, I am praying with a fierce determination that becoming a mother will make me more of the woman God has in mind for me. And despite my fears and my what if's, I know God is faithful and His mercies are new every morning. And that is something I can count on, even if or when I fail.