the heart of the matter...

* From now on I'll be writing this blog in the grammatically-correct format! :) I just have an obsession with these things ---> .......... <--- but now I'm realizing that it may not look so great to the rest of you reading!


This past week I have had some things happen that I know can only be God working in my heart and in my life to bring healing to my broken and proud soul.

Do any of you remember the old song "Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley? You probably know the lyrics: "I've been tryin' to get down, to the heart of the matter; but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter. But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness..."

The lyrics that stand out the most to me are these:

"There are people in your life, who've come and gone
They let you down - you know, they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, baby; life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside"

I heard this song the other day in the store and was singing along, thinking, ya know, this is a good song. Of course it's about a guy regretting things that happened with a former girl of his.

The funny thing is, a few days later, I found out my mom was doing the wedding of a friend I hadn't seen in a long, long time (since the beginning of high school). This friendship ended badly because of something dumb, but at that time, it felt like the end of the world to me. My best friend had rejected me. It was so bad, in fact, that I ended up transferring schools because I was so crushed.

I don't want to give anymore details other than that, but if you know me really well, you might understand. It's something difficult for me to talk about, or even think about, because of how much hurt was caused. As my mom was talking to me about how this person wanted her wedding to look, I broke down into sobs. We had talked about our weddings together when we were younger. A lot of things she will have in her wedding are the same as I had in mine.

My mom also told me some of the really tough times this person has been through over the past few years, and my heart completely broke. It was like, all the fun times we had together came flooding back, and then I thought about what things could have been if we had remained friends. That night, I came home and sobbed for 2 hours. I couldn't understand why I was so upset, but God showed me how much bitterness and resentment I had stored up in my heart against this person for the past 10 years or so. I can't tell you how hurt I was when our friendship was destroyed, but the regret that I feel now over our lost friendship is worse.

Suddenly, as I was crying my heart out to God, this dumb Don Henley song starts ringing in my ear. And I thought, okay Lord, I get it. God is funny at times in who, or what, He will use to get the point across!

But Mr. Henley is right. It's about forgiveness.

And love.

And Him getting the junk out of our hearts that is hindering us from loving others completely and unconditionally.

I don't know if things will ever be the way they once were between us, but when I think about her, the only prayer on my lips is for God to bring reconciliation in this situation. And He has poured so much of His love into my heart for this person that I can't even explain. I know if I saw her this moment I would probably burst into tears and hug her.

Now, as I sit here with tears on my cheeks again just thinking about it, there is a Hope that I have in an Almighty God who is an expert at making all things new.

And that is truly the heart of the matter.

i'm forgiven...

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I am reminded of the wrong that I have said and done
And that devil just won’t let me forget

In this life, I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms, I know what I am
I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been
'cause I’m forgiven

And my mistakes are running through my mind
And I relive my days in the middle of the night
And I struggle with my pain
And wrestle with my pride

Sometimes I feel alone and I cry
When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

‘Cause in this life, I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms, I know what I am
I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been
’cause I’m forgiven
(lyrics by Sanctus Real)


thank you Jesus for your forgiveness, acceptance, grace, mercy, peace, and love...i could not make it through one day without You <3