11.7.08

the elephant in the room...

the other night while i was cooking dinner, i was watching a little t.v. (which is very rare for me)...Paul had not yet come home from work, but as always, i was anxiously awaiting his arrival...that is one of my favorite parts of the day :) i was about to change the channel when a new show (although it may not be new time-wise, it was new for me) came on, called "Army Wives"

i had not heard of it before, but thought that it might be interesting because of the fact that...well...i'm a military wife now

of course, i should have had my guard up, as i usually do when it comes to secular sitcoms, because in the first 10 minutes of the show, 2 couples decided to get a divorce (either the husband or wife had cheated), and another one of the wives found out that her husband had been shot

i think it was at that point, when they had a scene of the husband being shot in action, that the spaghetti spoon hit the floor

you see, up until this point, i had been blocking out any thoughts of the war, of Paul leaving, of the fear that our marriage will be on the rocks...

up until this point, Paul leaving for Iraq has been somewhat of an elephant in the room...the unspoken presence that continues to pop up during the good times we have now...no matter how hard i try to keep from thinking about it, the fact is that he is leaving...and i don't know how to handle it...maybe because i can't on my own

when Paul came home a little later, i was on the couch sobbing...the t.v. was off, the Bible was open, and the spaghetti was a bit overdone...it was the first time i've really broken down about the whole thing in front of him, and the first time he's shared his feelings with me as well...i think we've both been trying too hard to be strong...so we just sat and cried and held each other and prayed (which was more like a breathless sob of anger towards the whole situation on my part) for the rest of the evening...

we told the elephant in the room (i.e. Satan) to get lost and to stop stealing our peace, our love, our faith, our hope, our joy, in Jesus' name...

we told God that we are scared...we told him that we know we can't make it through this without Him, that we don't know what's going to happen, or what to expect...i asked God (more like begged Him) to please not take Paul from me yet...to let me have a little more time with him on this earth

i feel like i'm a bit schizophrenic honestly...one second i'm fine, thinking about the amazing future the Lord has planned for us, dreaming about being missionaries together in some far away country, and about the children that we pray God will bless us with, so that we can disciple them and teach them His ways and His love...the next second, i'm thinking about him being gone for a year, about whether or not we will still even have a marriage when he returns, about what it will be like to have our first wedding anniversary alone...

my heart is breaking again, but in a different way this time...its been broken before, but that was the ending of a bad relationship altogether...this time, the one person i have been waiting for God to bring me my whole life has just arrived, and now he's being taken away from me...this is worse

today Paul is leaving for the weekend again for more training...and that elephant is trying to creep its way back into my thoughts as i sit here typing this blog...but i will get to see Paul again on Sunday

when i say goodbye to him after Christmas, i won't see him again for who knows how long...


yet there is something beautiful in the midst of our brokenness, when we bring our hurts, our anger, our pain, before a God who is big enough to handle it all...there is nothing like His sweet redemptive love that just pours into your soul when you feel numb and empty...i've experienced it many times before, but not like this, not with the one i love...the healing power that flows through my husband's hands when he prays over me, and i over him, is something that i don't think can be experienced outside of the marriage bond...it's just another reason i believe God has placed us in one another's lives

i know that the Bible talks about marriage ending in heaven, but there's a huge part of me that hopes not...i know that may sound heretical, but i can't help it...i don't want just one life with Paul...it's not enough...i know that may sound selfish, but life goes by so so fast...the Bible also says that our lives are just a vapor, blown away by the wind...one minute we are here, the next gone...

Paul told me before we even started dating that even if there isn't marriage in heaven, he hopes that God builds his mansion right next door to mine...then i got to thinking, after we were engaged, well wouldn't that be a waste of time? He could just put us in the same mansion...we could be "just friends" in heaven and share the same house, right? haha, maybe not...

i want to encourage you today, if you are married, to go to your husband or wife as soon as they walk through the door, and make sure they know just how much you love and cherish your time with them...don't waste a second you have with them...even if things are hard right now, ask Jesus to see you through...He will

and never forget the words the pastor spoke to you both at your wedding (or even if he didn't): "What God hath joined together, let no man [or trial, or circumstance, or Satan] put asunder."

4 comments:

Beauty From Ashes said...

Ah, the elephant in the room. So obvious, yet so inconspicious. My heart aches for you as I read this. I don't know what else to say or do. I'm praying for you. Tarjay and Mylos this weekend?

newmeg said...

I'm praying for you guys always, Sara! Military wives are my heroes... I just can't even imagine.

I know that God has joined you and Paul together for a reason, and I have faith that God will form your marriage into an incredible pillar while Paul's gone. You guys are going to be so strong when he gets back.

If you need anything at all, let me know.

Kim said...

Sara, what a beautiful post. I can hear in your words how devastating losing your sweet hubby will be, I can also hear how much you love him. You're right though, the connection and healing of praying together and for one another is absolutely breathtaking. God will provide the comfort and peace you need while he is far away. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

The Pink Potpourri said...

wow. what an incredible post. thanks for that reminder. you show such a great testimony of your marriage, and that God is the center of your relationship.

thanks for the comment on my blog!