for the past few days i've really been digging into God's Word to try and fill up this deep hunger i've been experiencing lately
i'm not really sure where its coming from, but i feel like i'm starving for God to speak to me...to reveal new things to me...to make me more like Him...to change the things about me that i cannot change myself
i also started doing a personal Bible study by Beth Moore called David: A Heart Like His, and so far i really love it, but at the same time, there are parts of me that hate it
those are the parts of myself that i keep trying to say goodbye to
the apostle Paul says, in Romans 7:15-25:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
there is that constant struggle of bad and good within me...my flesh waging war against my soul over and over...everyone who follows Jesus has experienced or should eventually experience this
this journey that i'm on with Christ is a continual battle...that is one of the things i love about the Narnia books (the title of my blog, further up and further in, comes from there, in case you are wondering...its the title of the last chapter of the last book in the whole series, and my favorite...read them if you never have)...in each of the stories, there is always some kind of personal battle and physical battle that the characters must go through, and each one is to prepare them for the great battle, the Last Battle for God's Kingdom in the end...in each of the characters in those books i see a bit of myself, both sides of myself...the sides that i like, and the sides that i cannot stand
you see, that is just one of the great paradoxes of life...that God continues to love us and teaches us to love ourselves, but at the same time wants us to die to ourselves and the things inside us that reject Him
my heart and soul yearn for perfection...not the kind of perfection our world goes after (success, looks, popularity, etc), but Christian perfection...to get back to the pure image of God i was created in
sometimes i wonder if i will ever get to that point...i struggle with wondering if its even possible to get to that point...some theologians say that on this earth, it's not possible because we live in a sinful world, and until we get out of it, we cannot be perfect in God's image...then there are others who say that it is possible to achieve Christian perfection while on earth, and that there is no point to being a Christian if we cannot make it there
i'm not sure where my stance on that is, but i do know that everytime i even think i'm almost 1/3 of the way there, i take about 10 steps back
i hate the things in me that go against God...the times when a thought crosses my mind and i wonder, where in the world did that come from? the times when i get frustrated at someone else for their shortcomings and yet do not realize that i still have the same plank in my eye...the times that i know i've been ungrateful or envious or uncaring...i hate those things
but i think this is where the idea of "perfect love" in the Bible comes in...it is only His perfect Love that is going to change those things in us that we want to get rid of
so all i can do is just continue to say goodbye...to keep dying to myself...to keep surrendering and repenting and asking for forgiveness and worshipping my Creator...to keep living in His perfect love every day
and who knows when the sin will go away...i sure don't...but i know that i can continue moving forward, striving for what i long for in my heart, for the good inside to overcome the bad...praise God that i don't have to do that on my own, that he sent the Holy Spirit to be my helper and guide to work inside my heart
My heart cries out to You in humility again. Thank you for the things You have done, are doing, and will continue to do in my life. Search my heart, my mind, my soul, and continue to reveal to me the ugly places inside that I need to give back to you. I'm sick inside, infected with this thing called sin. Forgive me Jesus for the ways I curse your name through my actions. I lay down everything before Your feet again. Help me to overcome. Help me to say goodbye again. I long for only Your Glory to be visible when others see me. I am desperate for Your perfect Love to come and clean out the gutters of my heart. I ask for your Holy Spirit presence to be manifest in my life, so that nothing but you overflows to others around me. Speak new revelation to me God; open hidden mysteries through your Word to me again. I pray for all those out there who do not know You Jesus. Keep calling them by name until they hear You and come back to You; I know that it is your will for everyone to come Home to You. I pray for the Church as well, that we would be a light-house in a dark world, a place for every person of every background, religion, race, nationality, to come, a place for every homeless, heartbroken, hungry, hurting, and helpless person to come. I pray that the Church would no longer go through the motions, but that we would really be set on fire for the world and for those who need You oh so desperately. There are so many. Thank you Father. I love you and praise You, not just for what You do, but for Who you are. Come Lord Jesus, come. In YOUR name alone.