security checkpoints...

so i am all packed and ready to go

i'm pretty much bouncing-off-the-walls excited about seeing my DH tomorrow...i can't wait to run into his arms at the airport and to kiss his sweet cheeks again...i won't know what to do with myself

however, i am anxious about flying, as usual...i have a fear of flying in airplanes and a fear of airports...something about all of it makes me so nervous that i get a giant knot in my stomach and don't sleep a wink the night before i fly

it's an irrational fear, i know, but it's one of those things i can't seem to shake no matter how many times i do it

one thing i get the most nervous about is going through security checkpoints...it scares me to death, which is completely ridiculous...i'm not exactly the gun-carrying, drug-smuggling type...but still, i get all shaky just walking through the big metal-detector thingy

right now, in my life, i'm going through a major security checkpoint...no, there aren't cops all around me checking my suitcases everyday...but there is a lot that i could fear right now...a lot of "what if's" keep going through my mind...but my hope is secure in the Lord...i have put my faith and trust in only Him, and somehow, He continues to assure me through His Word, an everlasting and unchanging love letter and promise to my heart and soul

i believe that Jesus is beginning to teach me through the trial of Paul being gone to find my ultimate security in Him...this is a lesson that i struggled with while being single, and i thought that being married to a wonderful, godly man would make that insecurity disappear...my DH has truly helped many of my insecurities...but he cannot erase my fears...only Christ can do that

God has already proven His faithfulness over and over in my life, and He has been giving me an extra dose lately...i could share many testimonies, most of them mundane...yet i am continually surprised by His goodness and grace in mysterious ways:

tonight i opened up one of my Christmas presents from Paul...he had gotten my mom to take care of most of the details so that i could open it here since it is too big to bring to Texas with me...i opened it and started crying...he had one of our pictures from our wedding enlarged and my mom had it matted and framed...the amazing thing about this picture, and the reason i couldn't stop crying, was that at the top of the picture, a huge rainbow ran through the sky...it looked as though it was coming out of the cross engraved in the top of the church bell tower...

even more amazing is that no one, not even the photographers, noticed a rainbow the day of our wedding...the sky was perfectly clear, sunny, with no forecast or sign of rain that morning...the rainbow was not visible in the 4x6 photos i purchased from the photographer, nor was it visible in the digital photos that the photographers own...it was not there in plain sight to anyone

immediately i ran to get my Bible and opened it to the story of Noah's Ark, where i found the Scripture which speaks of the rainbow...

"And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."
~ Genesis 8:12-15

tomorrow the weather forecast says rain all day, and i have to get on a plane and face my fear so that i can see my Paulie...in my life right now, i'm facing many fears and it feels like a downpoar on my soul at times...and there will be many tears that fall the day i have to leave Paul in Texas, the biggest security checkpoint i'll go through during this entire trip

however, i am trusting God and believing He is my security...i'm believing that He will keep His promise and not let the flood waters destroy me or the life He has planned for me...again, i am raising my hands through the rain, the tears, the storm, and i will praise Him even when i cannot see the rainbow






i wish you all a blessed Christmas...trust in Him for all your needs, and He will keep his promises

praise Him in the storm...

there's a storm a brewin' all around me it seems...the winds are howlin,' the rain is pourin,' the lighting is crashin,' and i'm standing in the midst with my arms raised...i'm not really sure how thats possible, but i'm doing it...

there are days where i have to force myself to be thankful and to give God the glory...there are days when i want to cry and do absolutely nothing, but i force myself to stay busy, focusing on the blessings God has given us and the love Paul and i share that will never go away, no matter where he is or how long we are apart

so a big thank you goes out to everyone who has been praying

seriously, prayer is extremely powerful and somehow i can feel it when people are praying!

things have gotten much better, although still extremely difficult...i have a lot of things to praise God for at the moment...a lot has been going on and a lot of good has been coming out of it!

here's some things to praise Him for:

• my soap company - yes, i make handmade soaps, although very few people know this...however, the "company" has been taking off, and they have been selling left and right...i'll open up more about this later on, but i'm keeping it on the down low for now
• the Christian Military Wives online support group i've joined - the women there are amazing, and they have been so helpful, encouraging, and inspiring...i realize that compared to some of the women on there, i have MUCH to be grateful for...but it helps to know that other women out there, who love their husbands like i do, are going through the same thing
• a book called Hope for the Homefront - written by a women whose Navy husband has been through over 21 deployments in their marriage...there's a link under the books i'm reading section for it...this book is changing my life ('nough said)
• the Angel Tree kids - this year for Christmas i got to go shopping for 13 kids that elderly people at my parents' church are sponsoring...this is something i do every year, but this year especially it has made me very thankful for all God has given me...and talk about shop til you drop, or wrap til you nap!
• one word: INTERNET - without this lovely little invention, i wouldn't be able to talk to my DH (Darling Husband in Militarianese) almost every night, or see his face on the webcam either, and that helps a LOT
• my trip to Texas - i get to see my Paulie ONE week from today!!! let's just say i am bouncing off the walls...however, i must again ask for prayer as i will have to leave him after 3 1/2 days...saying goodbye and getting on that plane to come home will be the hardest thing i've ever had to do
• the family New Year's cruise - as a Christmas gift this year for the whole family (grandma included), my parents are taking all of us on a cruise to the Carribbean...i'm really looking forward to this; however, i am melancholy as well because i won't be with Paul and will have just gotten back from seeing him (and saying goodbye....)
• the birth of Christ - i'm extra thankful for this as well this year...without Paul and i having a relationship with God through Christ, i know that we wouldn't be together at all, nor would we be as happy and blessed as we are now...even though people celebrate His birth at Christmas, i am thankful for this gift year round...without Him, i wouldn't know what to do right now

so, what can you praise God for right now? is it possible that you can praise Him no matter what storm you're going through???

Praise You In The Storm by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God,
that You would have reached down,
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You
whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God
who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are no
matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You
whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God
who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are no
matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth

not alone...

i'm having a rough day today...not exactly sure why, but its been awful...Satan is having a hay-day with my emotions

i think that the hardest part of Paul being gone so far is realizing that i'm not alone

this is really hard for to me to do

i'm a presence person...note that i did not say a people person, but a presence person...perhaps that is why my top love language is physical touch

i don't always like being around a ton of people, especially if i don't know those people...crowds of acquaintances are not for me

but the presence of God, the presence of my husband, and the presence of close friends...well, there is nothing like that for me...i need to feel these presences in my life to know i'm alive

yet it seems like no-one is present, and i can't help but feel alone

my best friend, my husband, is not here, and i don't know how to live each day without him...he's the person i talk to the most and the one who listens...he's the one i share everything i have with, and who loves me back...the one whom i can go to anytime and say "hey, wanna go do something tonight?"...the one i can count on when it feels like the rest of the world has rejected me...but every night, i go home and he's not there...it literally feels like my best friend died, and when we talk on the phone, i forget that i'm married to the person i'm talking to...i wake up in the morning, and plan out my day revolving around myself, and i hate that...i want to be able to live my life for another, for others, to give, to sacrifice, to love to death...without him, i feel like its all about me, and i don't want my life to be like that...to feel like i'm alone and there's no one else to live for

in the big picture, i'm living for God...the things i do, i do with my utmost ability for Him...it's why i want to be a missionary...to serve Him, living a life for others

however, the person whom i consider myself to be a missionary to the most is my family, particularly my husband...my reason for marrying him was not to get something out of it, but to serve him and minister to him through Christ's love, and that's hard to do when he's not here

i keep reminding myself that i'm not alone...that i'm just lonely

there's a big difference in being lonely, and feeling alone...

alone means that you are the only person around you at a certain time...you're alone when you have isolated yourself from others (not always on purpose) or others have isolated themselves from you (not always on purpose either)...sometimes being alone is good, and sometimes i even need alone time

lonely means that you can be surrounded by people and family and friends and even God, yet feel like you're alone when in reality, you're not...lonely means you are missing real and authentic relationships with people or with God...loneliness is a state of mind and of heart

i know that i am not alone...but i am lonelier than i've ever been in my life right now...i always thought that i was lonely when i was single...i was certainly wrong about that...this lonliness doesn't even compare

here is my heart-cry:

i need my LORD to make His presence known right now...i most definitely have His peace, as i wrote in the last post, but i need to know that He's actually here in a real and tangible way

i need my friends to make their presence known right now...i don't want to just hang out, but i need someone to remind me that i'm not alone, and i need to know that others care and want to be by my side through this time

i need to be able to minister to others through my hurt and to live a life for others no matter where i am...writing a bunch of papers for seminary isn't cutting it...there's a Hispanic girl in my community about my age, whose 3-month old daughter is dying of heart disease, that i've been spending time with...hurting together has helped us both, and seeing her heartache makes mine seem a lot smaller

yet i'm not going to sit here wearing a happy mask or act like Ms. Optimistic of the Year when my heart is truly aching...i'm going to be real about it...that's where i am tonight, like it or not...i have to get all of this out, and i guess that is what blogging is for

peace that surpasses...

today i was talking on the phone to my mother-in-law, and i'm so glad to have her in my life...she has been a blessing and such a friend during this time...we have a lot in common these days it seems...her son is my husband, and he's going to Iraq...and well, you know, we need each other

and she told me that she was praying for me every second she got...which is good, cause i need prayer for sure

and then she asked me how i was doing

now there are times where i lie when someone asks me that question...i'll say "oh, i'm doing fine, just busy" and usually that means "i'm a stressed-out mess right now and all i want to do is hide in my room all day with some good movies and a book"

but today i actually meant what i said, when i said "you know...its unbelievable Mama Anne, but i have so much peace right now"....to which she replied "i'm the same way too sugar...God is really taking care of us isn't He?"

Paul is now in Texas, training for his deployment to Iraq...his picture will be in the paper sometime soon, and i felt honored that it was his smiling face chosen to go in there, with my name next to it as his wife

have i cried?

oh yes...

but there is a calm amongst those tears right now that i cannot explain

you may know the verse..."...and a peace that surpasses understanding will guard your hearts and your minds...."

when you rely on the grace of Christ to see you through an extremely difficult time, there is peace that not only surpasses understanding, but also doubt, fear, worry, heartache, etc... etc...

the fear that i have been feeling for months now is not there...i don't know where it went, but it is gone, praise God

i am trusting, hanging on to every Word He speaks, hanging on to His love, joy, hope, and having faith when i could easily feel like giving up

its also a peace that surpasses the lack of understanding from others...there are times when i feel absolutely alone, although i know that many, many others before me and at the same time as me are away from the ones they love...however, at times i feel guilty for being upset that he's not here, or that i'm being selfish for not wanting him to be gone for a whole year...like i have to hide the pain i feel...there are times where i am angry when it seems that no one cares; that everyone around me is going on with their busy little lives, buying houses, having babies, getting ready to celebrate Christmas, when at the moment, i feel like my life doesn't make one iota of sense....but thats when the peace comes


i am so thankful for a godly husband who i know with all my heart is thinking of me while i'm thinking of him...who encourages me just because i know that he's Paul, and that he is serving his brothers and sisters with him in the Guard, helping them also to trust in the Lord, who gives peace that surpasses more than just understanding


if you are reading this, do you have peace that covers all, or is your life and your heart and mind plagued by doubt and fear???


He who has sent His Son has sent him in the form of Peace...the Prince of Peace


"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." ~ Isaiah 9:6


come to Him, and experience the overwhelming feeling that He holds your life in His hand as well